“The Unknown”

Ventriculomegaly : when excess fluid is trapped in the ventricles of the brain, causing them to grow larger and become dilated

I didn't even know what this was before hearing it in our 20 week anatomy ultrasound. I went in like any other ultrasound, but without my husband due to the coronavirus. I didn't think anything of it, I couldn't wait to get the little envelope telling us what the baby's gender is. I didn't think of the potential negative reports that could come from this ultrasound. I'm sitting in the ultrasound, the technician is pointing out all of the baby's features: how he's grown in size, how his heart looks perfect, how we can see it's little feet kicking my belly, the list goes on. It didn't seem any different from our ultrasound with Marleigh, our first born.

Then it happens, the doctor meets with me after the ultrasound delivering the news that they found excess fluid in the baby's brain. You know that feeling when the whole room spins and your breath gets short and you feel like you got sucker punched in the gut? That was me. And Tyler wasn't there to hold my hand, I was alone. I didn't even know what it exactly meant, I just knew it wasn't good because of how the doctor was delivering the message.

I don't want to harp on this day to long in this post, because the thought of reliving it still makes me ill. But the bottom line was that we would need to see a high-risk specialist from here on out and my regular OB wouldn't be able to answer all of the questions I had. So of course, I go to Google. I had to wrap my brain around what this even meant and I wouldn't be able to get in to see a specialist for another whole week. If you learn anything from this post, just don't ever go to Google!

Here comes the 7 day waiting game. I promise you it felt like 7,000 years. Sleepless nights, tear-filled days - Tyler and I had never gone through something like this before. We also had never prayed harder that this was just a 'fluke' on the ultrasound and that it wasn't anything. We had an army of people praying for a miracle and that once we went to see the specialist there response would be, "What fluid?"

One week later we meet with a specialist, and they do another ultrasound only to confirm what our worst fear was. The baby did indeed have ventriculomegaly. The specialist went on to explain what this meant and how it could go in several directions:

• The baby could have severe developmental delays once born: could not walk on his own, feed himself, talk, or could even have down-syndrome (even though my blood work came back negative for this, it was still a concern)

• The baby could have mild developmental delays: speech delay, may not learn to walk as quickly, may have sensory issues, may have a form of autism - this spectrum was so wide.

• The baby could be born perfectly normal and no further testing has to be done or monitored, baby will go on to live life as usual

The doctor did mention if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy it would have to be talked about that day. Of course, we couldn't even imagine this being an option for us and quickly said no - but the thought of not even giving this baby a chance broke my heart. I don't want to throw shade on this doctor, because she actually is a christian and she knew we were - this question was just part of routine and she never mentioned it again. I do believe God gave her us because even when hearing all of this news I could tell she had a different hope in her.

Unfortunately, the whole thing is a waiting game. There's no way to no for sure what this means. There's nothing we can do as parents to prevent further problems. It was going to be a waiting game for the next 4 months. Even if I got further testing, nothing would tell me for sure what I could expect. And to be honest, I knew it wouldn't actually change anything, we would have this baby and love every part of it - it has a family waiting for him.

But what was supposed to be some of the happiest moments of our lives, got clouded with this medical term that nobody knew what to expect of it.

Please know that I can only write this now because it's been two weeks since these appointments. I don't want to sit here and say that my thoughts were positive, that I had full hope Jesus would work a miracle on this baby's brain, that I wasn't completely and utterly broken. I'm crying even as I write this post. I have never prayed so hard in my life. I have never been this so close to Jesus on my knees, crying out for just one glimmer of peace in the unknown. Life itself stopped for days. I felt so hopeless. I didn't know how I could have this feeling for 4 more months! I felt like if someone blew on me I'd fall over.

But I do know ONE THING. I know that I do have a hope that I can put my trust in. I can trust that this is all a part of God's plan. That this diagnosis doesn't have to be true. That no matter what complete and total crap life throws at us, that I have one thing to hold onto. That my God is bigger than a diagnosis, bigger than a scan, bigger than the fluid on this baby's brain, and certainly bigger than the devil who's trying to toss our family around.

I don't write this post to get pity or to even make light of how serious this is. I do, however, write this because I believe in the power of prayer - and I'll take any prayer we can get! I believe we aren't meant to do life alone. At our gender reveal, we had our closest friends and family prayer over this baby boy and I am so blessed with the support system God has given me.

I've shared everything in our life and felt like I couldn't leave this out. I couldn't be phony anymore, I had to let you know what we've been struggling with. I hope this brings hope to anyone that's going through the fear of the unknown right now. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to think "Why God?" It's okay to not be okay. Please don't take this as preach-y or mightier than thou, because trust me I know the fear feels like a mountain that can't be moved. But find peace in this,

"Though the mountains be shaken

and the hills be removed,

yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken

nor my covenant of peace be removed,”

says the Lord, who has compassion on you."

Isaiah 54:10

Jesus sees you. When you may be thinking, "NOBODY knows what I'm going through or what I'm feeling!!!" He does. He knows. And he cares. And he WILL bring you through this, no matter what the circumstance. Pray this prayer over your life:

Jesus, thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you for the sacrifice you have already made for me. Jesus, I pray you give me a peace that passes all understanding. Allow my story to be a hope to others, to lead others to you. Use this story for your good. Give me the strength when I cannot lift up my head. Replace my negative thoughts, with thoughts of peace and comfort. I won't give the devil a place in my story. I know you will bring me through this. You've done it before, and you will do it again. Thank you Jesus for your grace and not leaving me when I've messed up. Thank you for everything you have done and are going to do in my circumstance. I will praise you in this storm.

Much love,

Alex